We were 14, you were intentional, but you didn’t know that I was too. You saw me crying, you saw my pain, and I had just met you. Until that moment, I hadn’t felt that feeling from anyone. I have no idea where you had come from or why we were in the same place at the same time; we were from two different worlds completely.
From the outside looking in, you were absolutely put together. I had no idea you masked all that pain beneath those beautiful eyes and that contagious smile. A soft spoken individual, a loner with magnificent mystery, and I just couldn’t get enough of you.
You were that type of guy that had a bad boy persona that us “good girls” loved. I was addicted, but guarded because I felt your layers every time I held your hand. Although, the more I held your hand and accepted your embraces, the layers would shed. I knew you were guarded too. We took it slowwwwwww. However, you quickly became my Superman, my Knight, my Gatekeeper of my inner being.
I knew I was in trouble when I fell for you. The power you had along with the humility you carried just made it even more difficult to stomach the disappointment that would later follow.
In 2009, my spirit that I had come to develop was just snatched away. I stopped celebrating my birthday, barely slept, ate terribly, drank, partied and felt NOTHING. I was internally sick with disappointment and shame of you, BUT I couldn’t stop loving you. Our children looked exactly like you, they still had the aura of you, and they were attached to me like you. I couldn’t give up…
Love and Hate is the same thing.
Casey Veggies
The amount of betrayal and disgust I had overpowered my entire being. I was in a pit of darkness that was never ending. I was the executive resident of the black hole of emptiness, defeat and resentment. I couldn’t look at our children with joy, relief and gratitude. YOU stole from me.
There was no warning, no context clues, no build up; just a direct thrust to the gut that shattered my entire world.
ONE HUNDRED EIGHTY SIX YEARS
186
Three average lifetimes. My life, their lives. Ruined. The irony.
No marriage, no moving and starting over with you, no soccer games, no family traditions, no memories of “I remember when Daddy …”
How do you explain that to a young child who is just happy to rub her mother’s belly that has her new sister in it? How do you explain to the world that you were just an innocent bystander who was deeply in love with a soul? How do you tell your elderly father who “had a feeling” that you just want to die because you can’t face the carelessness of someone else? It’s not just any someone, but the man of the household, the protector, the provider… the LEADER. (Cont’d on next page)
JaHeard, JaJa Speaks 
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